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Artist: Various Title: Freaky Forest Label: Troll N' Roll Records Date: December, 2011 01 - Total - Freaky Forest 2004 (144 BPM) 02 - Trance-Ingvars - All The Answers (146 BPM) 03 - Toxic Anger Syndrome - Trollskogen (149 BPM) 04 - Gubbology - Monster Quest (147 BPM) 05 - Aremakki - Cream Delivery (140 BPM) 06 - Oliveira - Wednesdays (147 BPM) 07 - RotSystem - Uven (146 BPM) 08 - Katastrof - Oiije (144 BPM) 09 - SEKT - Sleten Horunge (163 BPM) 10 - Varanta - Mystical Temple (148 BPM) This is the debut release from this Swedish label with nothing but Swedish artists. The cover is pretty cool. 4 fat trolls with f*cked up hairstyles and huge noses sit around an old Gandalf type while the ghost of Kenny G serenades them in the background. All in nuclear waste green. What the hell did I just walk into? Freaky Forest 2004- What the f*ck is this? Really, what the f*ck? Over 3 minutes of Buddhist chanting with tribal beats before the lead becomes even more twisted than Dee Snider. You don't know who that is do you? Sigh. He was a member of a hard rock band named Twisted Sister that had a flair for the theatric back in the 80s and now he is a goofy parody of himself. Can't believe parents were afraid of this clown. He looks ridiculous. Different time I guess. This undergoes a lot of changes and it has to at over 12 minutes, but it sounds less forest and more experimental to me. If it was made 7 years ago I can cut the guy a break. All the Answers- This leaves me with more questions than answers. When the ritualistic tribal percussion comes in I'm on board though. Hallucinatory synths rise and fall in the firelight like a record being played at the wrong speed. I know this was made by Swedes, but it's random enough to stray into Suomi territory. It's interesting, but at this point it's just a collection of sounds. While I like the funkiness of the guitar riff, it's not what I'm looking for in my forest. Trollskogen- Not to sound like a loud mouth American, but the Swedish language here sounds like something Adam Sandler made up. I realize I probably just offended and entire nation and for that I apologize. What are you laughing at Norway? Have you heard yourselves? More weirdness with bass line changes and goofy laughs. But unlike a lot of normal music that doesn't stay with me, I will be repeating Trollskogen over and over while my wife looks at me like I just smeared poop on the wall. This is weird. Bizarre. Do the "normal" forest creatures look over here and say, "Whoa...don't go over there. Those motherf*ckers are sick." Monster Quest- "The only way out of here is to try one of these doors." Got news for you they all lead to kooky town. It's almost comical, like it's making fun of itself. But damnit I kind of like it. Random sounds pitched up and down, wobbling synths, and a lot of changes which I think is cool. Think of a friend that would put you at ease, but instead he's a schizophrenic. Cream Delivery- "I'm a delivery man and I have some cream for you. Let us f*ck!" No he didn't just sample from Zack and Miri make a porno. It's so corny its awesome! Cool break beat intro and great use of the panning effect as a synth moves from side to side. This is a type of forest trance that I'm not used to. It's not dark, but it's odd enough to make you want to keep your distance from these people. I mean really, forest porn? "You want your cream now?" Wednesdays- "I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties." Who farted? It's a chunky lead with some goa atmosphere in the background. The most musical track yet and it doesn't rest for a second. Not as weird as the other tracks and that percussive hit had me looking all over the house to see who was banging on my door. Not bad. Uven- The weirdness and chaotic randomness is beginning to tire me out. Creature mumblings give way to cyber breakdowns and then it's off to the races again. Only you're going the wrong way dude! That's cool though, it's different. So many twists and turns, it's tough to follow them all. Like I mentioned, you won't be scared in this forest, but you will be pissed off because you can't get out of this b*tch! Oiije- You know what that is? I don't f*cking know either, but to me this is a representation of this track. Monkey, car, window, Darth Vader... Just tack a whole bunch of sh*t together and call it Voltron. Sleten Horunge- You know what this is? It's hyper mosh pit trance. It's Marge Simpson on speed. Metallic and squelchy sounds bubble over a bass line that obeys zero speed limits. Imagine watching a slasher film at double speed. Pretty funny actually. . "A little LSD is all I need." Mystic Temple- This is about as downtempo as it's gonna get. Piano and a hopeful melody? What the f*ck kind of forest is this? When did Yanni get here? A saxophone too? No, no...take your damn sitar and shove it. It's too late. Then the Doors show up with a hammond organ and pound out a gospel tune? When did this become and open mic jam session. Ain't nothin' mystic about this temple. Ok, first off this is not your typical forest compilation. When I think forest I think layers of intense music designed to scare and disorient you. Stories of old to be told where the acid sticks on you like thick carpets of green moss. This is not that. Nope, this is a bunch of phrases strung together that are both quirky and weird. At no time are you afraid of the denizens of this forest. You want to avoid them in the same way you avoid the homeless. Not because they are a threat, but because they make you uncomfortable. It has moments where it's enjoyable, but mostly it's so disjointed that I didn't want to bother with it. So do what I did. I threw 'em a few sheckles and my pastrami on rye and got the hell outta there. Ektoplazm Mdk

Artist: Suria Title: Frequalized Universe EP Label: Digillize Records Date: June, 2012 1. Soul Harvest 2. Frequalized Universe 3. Rox Box 4. Pure Holy sh*t this was boring. If someone goes to take a crap and leaves the sequencer running, does anyone hear it? Is this the same guy? How do you go from acid laden twilight stompers to comatose minimal? And when it wasn't totally boring it was just generic full-on. A time machine is the only answer, but you went too far sir. Too far and set up shop in snoozeville. When Logical Evolution came out waaaay back in 2004 it was fresh and powerful and just what the doctor ordered. But this...this must be how dogs feel when they arrive at the vet to get neutered. Powerless. Lots of crying. Just a sad day for everyone. Don't worry dude...we'll find you. Even if I have to do nothing to do it. Beatport Mdk

Artist: Rainbow Static Title: Tickle My Bunny Fone Label: Bunny Fone Date: September, 2011 01 - Cute Pounce (162 BPM) 02 - Peeb. (201 BPM) 03 - Yes and Bite (197 BPM) 04 - Cake Barf (152 BPM) 05 - diVabetes (77 BPM) You know I don't watch Dr. Phil, but I gotta side with him on this one. I had to review this. Had to. It is the most bizarre and ridiculous sh*t to ever hit these ears. Obviously it is a joke, because nobody can make music this bad on purpose. They're probably really cool guys and I would love to talk to them, but this makes me think that they made a bunch of crap, knew it was crap, and then piss all over people for thinking it's crap. The project is Bunny Static and Rainbow Fone from the Pacific Northwest and I'll be honest, the only reason I wanted to hear this was due to the ridiculous BPM's. 201? Really? Well that and the entertaining discussion it spawned on Ektoplazm. So what's up? This sounds like cats thrown in a blender with pitched up beats which makes sense because they call it psy-prance. It's stupid vocals twisted up becoming unintelligeable and annoying. And the first track is over 9 minutes long. Do you have any idea how excruciating this was? Forget dancing to this or following a melody...that sh*t need not apply. This is music...wait, no it isn't. Sure some hipster is going to say it's creative and artistic, but I have to disagree. This is what you send to someone when you hate them. It's high speed noise with cartoon effects and vocal samples thrown in that has no musical value whatsoever. You know what Suomi sounds like? Take that and multiply it by 11. But that's not fair to that entire genre because at least that is musical. For God's sake it has samples of some guy puking and a bunch a drunks singing Pour Some Sugar On Me. Kudos to Ektoplazm for putting this up on his site because it shows that he doesn't discriminate against anyone's music. I'd rather be that guy than listen to this again. Hey I hated it, but I'll leave that for you to decide. Ektoplazm Mdk