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THE thread to converse! Irrespective of the topic, heh topic itself is Off Topic so no question of going "off topic" anymore. So the worst feeling I've ever experienced is back again. The helplessness. A little background, I love dogs, we had a family of 3 dogs as pets. Sonu (mother) , Blacky (son from 1st litter) Chinnu (daughter from 2nd litter) over the years we have lost Blacky (almost 8 years ago - when he was a 6 y.o dude) in an accident, we lost chinnu last year in May due to an unidentified disease lack of pet care over at our village and also misjudgment from my side that it was just the harsh summer that made her breathe heavily at times, she was very healthy, the most beautiful and loving pet that one can ask for. Her death came as a shock to us. One thing that constantly eats me is the fact that things might have been different if I took her to a nearby town and had a 2nd or even a 3rd opinion. Its because she was healthy that we all ignored her problem as its common to respire heavily (very harsh summers & she had a ton of fur which didnt help either) During the night that she passed away, I felt utterly helpless, she was given injections and drips but we could see her leaving us. That sinking feeling I will never forget, It troubled me for a good period of time & it still does. Just months after that I lost one of my best friend in a freak road accident. That didnt help the cause of calming down either. I have uncontrollable mood swings and emotional breakdowns. (I dont do drugs, no alcohol, no weed, nothing, may be 1 beer in 3-4 months, I drink coffee once in a while) and during those periods I lose my senses and do shit ending up hurting people I love. With blacky it was all too sudden and didnt happen in front of my eyes. But with chinnu, I felt it , I could see her pain, I could see she was scared, she looked upto us and we couldnt do shit, we failed her. Troubled by that , I leave nothing to chance and take care of her mum Sonu who is in her 16th year now with all my energy and focus, at this age its tough for her and also for us. But I am loving every moment with her. Cleaning her , medicating her , force feeding her , even just staring at her as she does the same for hours. She has always been with me and sleeps in my room in contrast to her daughter who spent most of her time with my mum. Fast Forward to present. After Chinnu passed away we started feeding 2 street dogs (females-Dummi and Rani) both gave birth to puppies last december & 2 pups(ku-ku & kempi) that remained with us, we feed them and put out a mat for them to sleep inside our compound. They spend most of the time inside our compound as its warmer and outside its raining most of the time. Since morning I haven't seen ku-ku or her mum or her aunt! ku-ku has a broken leg so she cant possibly run away to a far place and she hates rain & cold weather, so she always runs back to home when it rains to curl up on the mat. I went around looking for her at every nook and corner of the neighbourhood with little luck. That sinking feeling is back! I feel some fucktard has done some harm to them. I love ku-ku and had promised her to get her leg corrected after my exams. As Sonu (my pet) is old & she doesnt like company, I didnt take ku-ku in. I feel I have let her down as well. A limping 6 month old pup for fuck sake I cant take more deaths! Fuck, I know Sonu is with us for not so long now. I am just not able to keep the negative thought away. Its way past her dinnertime and bedtime and there's no response to my whistles & calls, no limping ku-ku running towards our gate. I see many people who are interested/knowledged/practice Buddhism which says suffering is caused by selfish craving and personal desire. Its basically "there is no selfless good deed" kind of scenario isnt it.? Its my personal desire and selfish craving that those poor young dogs are not poisoned to death is the cause of my misery right now.? Wtf.